Excruciatingly long seasons,
Seemingly unproductive steps towards success, Hidden fears & disappointment towards God, Apathy at its finest... It feels like its been years since I've been at reckless abandon at the feet of Jesus, completely soaked and immersed in this thing I love- the Presence of my Daddy. It feels like years ago that my one & only desire was to have the outwardly overflowing love of God towards those around me, to carry the Presence in a way that shifts atmospheres the moment I walk in, to witness lives change because of one simple gospel of love. My secret place with Jesus has always been the conversation about my dreams. The softest, most precious, most vulnerable part of my heart has been my ability to trust that when I walk with a good Dad, that He will take me into the greater realms of executing who I am, my gifts, my talents, the way that He desired- for His name, for His glory. & He always promised me, dreamt with me, guided me through the processes of striving towards those dreams. I guess the disappointment & unfulfillment of living a life that gradually made it all about myself & my future... has hardened my heart towards the journey of a reckless pursuit of God. Though regardless of what I was doing, He has remained the same. & regardless of my capabilities & skills, He has already spoken value & worth into my existence. Though at the end of the day, I need Jesus, more than I need a good marriage, a stable job, & 100,000 followers on Instagram to validate the hard work that I put into this thing called dance. & yet... the human inside of me... the fleshly entitlement of feeling like I deserve success because of how hard I work, or how much time I put in, has put me in chains of acceptance from everyone else except my Abba. It's a daily conversation I have with those around me- in my relationship, with my family, at bible studies- that we want to remember the importance of our identity WITHOUT performance. That we are a daughter, a child, an inheritor, a saint, more than we are a dancer, a student, a worker, or a public figure. That we want to pursue Jesus more than we pursue a career, financial stability, romance, or success (whatever that may look like). But it's hard to apply it, deep in my heart, so that how I live resonates with those desires that I verbalize. It's hard to not be where I want to be, yet feel utterly satisfied because I have the wholeness of Jesus inside of me. But today, I surrender my ideals & expectations for myself, & trade it in for the Truth that I am ALREADY who God wanted me to be, without the need to do anything to earn it. I surrender my desires for fame, success, & validity, for the Truth that God has created me to be fully capable, gifted, unique, & loved, even if the world may not treat me like so. I surrender my apathy, disappointments, & fears, for the Truth that God is faithful & abounding with provision, & that those things will manifest in my life when I choose to love God wholeheartedly. & I want to love God outwardly, not for the eyes of others, but because God deserves so much more of me- internally & externally. Remembering today that He is Lord of Lord in my life, & that I would give ANYTHING... absolutely anything, to freely enjoy His presence again. Thank you Jesus that there is more to life than what I've been believing. Thank you Jesus that I AM more than what I've been telling myself. You are my greatest reward, & I will strive to love you for the rest of my days.
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There are many times God asked me to give something up. Not because he didn't want me to have it, or because "the Christian life is a life of sacrifice." Not because I had to pick up my cross to be the obedient child He asked me to be, or because He, in any way, wanted me to be unhappy. But because... Because God wanted more of me. Because in the most subtle, the most gentle way, He was making space in my heart for more joy, more peace, more love, more righteousness. Because God, somewhere where I couldn't see far enough, had something much bigger, much better in mind for me. Sometimes, especially in the times you want to fight for Jesus the most, letting go is the hardest thing to do. God, I want to pursue you, but I want to pursue this too. & that- that innocent desire to want to hold on dear to the things we love most, to grip on tighter when we know we can't keep it forever- that is what often leads to a gradual life of compromise. & yes, God is the ultimate Giver, who rewards us for our sacrifices. He is a God of blessing & provision. Why not let go, when we can have something better? It's easy letting go, when God gives us a glimpse of a bigger teddy bear. When he gives us promises to hope for & look forward to. So I guess the burning question is: What if we never get a bigger teddy bear? What if we let go, & there's nothing else in return? This has been a constantly weighing question in my heart lately. What if I fight for God, with all of my strength & with the risks of losing what I love most... But I don't find what's better? What if I'm left with less than I had before? Yet in the looming faces of fear & anxiety, the answer remains the same. I want to look into the eyes of Jesus & want Him more than I want anything. & even if I am left with nothing, if I am stripped of all hope & promises, if I just have Him, then I am wholly satisfied. I want Jesus more than I want a teddy bear, & I would give up my most valued teddy bear a thousand times, to give Him the space in my heart He deserves. I want to love God with all that I have, though it may not be much, & though it may be everything. I want to fight for You, till the ends of the earth, I want to fight for You. Not for Your promises, not for Your blessings, not for the things You can offer me, but You & You alone- the presence that sustains me for eternity. & although right now it hurts to let go, I want to trust You enough, Daddy, to give it up. So to a season of letting go, in exchange for the most beautiful & ultimate reward I can ever ask for: more of Jesus. I wonder if you see me.
In the secret, when my back is turned away. When I am passive because I have no other way of saying the things I feel. When your eyes are closed & mine are wide open, looking around the room as an excuse to steal a glance. The better question is, I wonder if God sees me. In the secret, when your back is turned away but I am turned towards you. When I am passive because the only person I can talk to about you is Jesus. When your eyes are closed because you've given your all to Him, & mine are wide open, watching in awe of your spirit. I've been sitting for hours at my computer, staring blankly at the countless of incomplete drafts of blog posts that I wanted to write but never finished. Left with disappointment & dryness because I feel like the substance of my person has been stripped away from me somehow. That now, I have nothing to share, nothing to be inspired by.
We all go through dry seasons. This one seems different. As if anyone reads these anyway. But the writer in me, the creator in me, the idealist in me who once passionately dove deep into her soul has slowly simmered away into a too simplistic, almost uninteresting being. & then there's the constant desire for someone to KNOW me, not just for my dance skills, not just for my appearance, or even my outer expressions of my undivided commitment to God, but for the person I am- the way I was created, the presence I withhold, the striking resemblance that I- am currently striving to, and will someday- have to Jesus. I feel I have no words to say, no clear feelings to explain... but the one thing that remains: An overwhelming longing to surrender everything to Jesus once again. & then maybe.. there will be clarity. 그의 한마디에 설렜다.
별말 아니였는데도 설렜다. 누구나 나에게 하지않았던 말을 해줘서였다. 아... 잘하고있구나. 열심히 한 보람이있구나. 아직도 그 말이 나를 설레게 한다. I remember all the times in my high school/college years when I sat in the presence of God & promised Him one thing: "I will never fall away from you. I will never leave you. I will always love you, even if there's nothing else left." Those times feel like ages ago. Not because those promises still don't stand, but because life has changed its currents way too many times. Because finding God in each season, constantly giving in to Him & giving out to flesh, is more tiring, more draining than I ever thought it'd be. I'm scared. Not of falling away, because I would never walk away from Him. But of being indifferent. Of callousing my heart so much that one day, my heart becomes too hardened. That one day, I'll be absolutely and perfectly content with giving Him my easy 50, instead of giving Him my difficult and weary 100. "In him, you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed wit the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it." Ephesians 1 : 13-14 I want to fight for you. I want to give you all of me, every whole or broken piece of me, till the day I acquire the fullness of what you promised me - You. Though what I have to offer may be little and quite lacking ; though what you give me in return is immeasurably greater ; though what you deserve is much more than I can ever carry, you are enough to trade all of me, for all of you. I told God a couple weeks ago that I wasn't quite sure how to pursue Him full-heartedly anymore. It was easy when I was younger- I had all the time in the world, the right community, a pastor and teacher, fresh dreams and childlike prayers. I told Him I'm older now. I'm busy with life, I don't have a community to run with me or to invest in me. I no longer have people to lead me, and a lot of my dreams are being replaced with hopelessness and fear. But the one thing that hasn't changed is my desire to want to love Jesus, in the midst of uncertainty and weariness. And the one thing that will never change is His faithfulness to me, the one He jumps in joy and sings over, even when I don't notice. 2018: Taking baby steps, but to a year of learning how to pursue Him again, with all that I am and all that I have. You can have my fears, God. You can have my sins, my weaknesses, my shortcomings. My gifts, my talents, my desires, and my dreams. My circumstances, my doubts, my struggles, and my possessions. All of me, for all of you. I wouldn't want anything else. It's been a couple of days since my grandma passed away.
It's surreal. A bit hard to explain the feeling of losing someone you cherished so much, but in exchange for the happiness they gain being with Jesus. I told God earlier this year that He had to take her when I'm ready. A weird thing to ask of Him, & even a bit selfish in a sense- but He knew. The quiet attempts to redeem the bratty adolescent years & the lack of genuine quality time that I had let slip through my fingers growing up. The deep desire in my heart to want to know her- every part of her- before it was too late. Her past, her character, her experiences. Her biggest dreams, her deepest desires, her hidden struggles. The things she loved to do, the foods she loved to eat, the songs she loved to sing. The things she prayed about at night, the things she wondered with a child's heart, the things she treasured & valued, no matter how insignificant they seemed to everyone else. I feel strange, a bit guilty even, to say that there has been perfect peace in my heart throughout this whole situation. Because there is a consolidating truth that God has been slowly but surely molding into my heart every time I chose to spend time with my grandma. God isn't a good luck totem, or this mysterious idea of a person that we look to for comfort in the times that results are uncertain; in the times fear of the unknown creeps in. He is a reality. & the idea of Heaven- of Home- is SUCH a real place, a real end result. a tangible & undeniable reward that we, she, gets to enjoy for eternity. There is such a profound Grace in even the darkest of times. & when my heart weighs heavily into the night, He walks in the room & assures me that there is a bigger picture in the eyes of the Kingdom. I loved my grandma- with every ounce of guilt, with every second of laughter that I had with her. But God loved her first. & she confidently loved Him back. & that is truth- the only truth that locks itself with the hands of eternity. God is still so good, no death nor powers of darkness can overshadow the simple goodness of God in all that He was & is & will continue to be. Thank you, Jesus, for dying so that we may find life in your sacrifice. Going to miss you, grandma. But I'll be strong for you, because you're in good hands now. I sat in church, a rare Sunday morning, fumbling through my wallet during offering to find a decent amount to give. & then God stopped me.
"Honey, you don't have to give today. You don't have to empty your wallet or your bank account to feel like you're doing something. Sure, give. Tithe. Be generous. But I want you to give only after you find a community to give TO." & for a second I began to argue, "well Daddy, I WANT to give! I want to take part in furthering your Kingdom!" & God, always having something to say, said one simple thing: "Offering isn't just about giving your money. It's about finding a place to invest in, & to witness the growth of a place that is Kingdom-based, & committing yourself to take part in it. Having a character of giving is good & honorable, but even managing your finances in a Godly way is wisdom that is given from me. Go find a community first." Okay, okay you got me. He always gets me. Truth is, I've been avoiding finding a community to plug myself into. Because it's scary committing to a place where I'm entitled to attend every week, because I always feel like I let people down out of inconsistency. Because I always feel like a free soul, roaming around & never really belonging anywhere. So everywhere I go, I found myself looking for reasons not to stay. "Their theology isn't the same as mine." ; "The people here don't seem too friendly." ; "Their service time is inconvenient for me." But as I continue to pursue the perfect balanced life between surrendering all I am to Him, while still succeeding in the very place that He has called me to influence, He is reminding me all the more how important having a family to constantly love on you & encourage you is. & in the times that I feel lonely pursuing a journey that no one seems to understand, to trust in a Rock that supports my journey, even if they don't understand fully. A gentle but not so gentle little nudge from a good Father who wants me to surround myself with a support system that reminds me of His goodness every step of the way. Something I've been avoiding ever since I graduated high school, but I fully trust that He has a divine destiny mapped out for me as long as I submit myself to be moved & mobilized by His people. Time to search for a community! It was my birthday this month, & here I am, almost 2 weeks later, barely finding the time now to sit down & reflect.
I used to enjoy birthdays. A time to realize how much I've grown, how much I'm advancing in life's journey, & a time to thank Jesus for being so faithful to me in the times of doubt & uncertainty. This year was a bit different. Anxiety disguised itself as productivity & busyness, as I continued to keep myself distracted because I didn't want to deal with the questions of where I'm going & what I'm doing. Am I living right? Am I making the right choices? Am I choosing the right journey? The doubts & uncertainties that once used to highlight His faithfulness were slowly becoming more of a reason for me to fear- fear failing in life; fear being a burden to my family; fear disappointing my own expectations of myself. Because age is a limit, in the world's sense, anyway. Because time is flying by too fast. Because I don't even know where this year went, to be honest. Because I don't think that I can confidently tell myself & God that I spent this year wisely, choosing to do the things His heart yearned most for in me. & in the times that fear creeped in, in the crevices of my heart that I often buried away, His voice drew near. In the calm & peaceful voice makes even the strongest of winds grow silent: "In Me, there is an abundance of time." In Him, in His presence, there is an abundance of time. Actually, there is no such thing as a time limit. Because when you dive into His presence, you are given leisure in your heart, even when you physically don't have time. & when we hide from Jesus, time goes by faster. You waste time not knowing where it goes, because the Creator of time isn't there to manage it, nor is he there to give you the peace in your heart to enjoy it. Time is a resource from Heaven. In Him, there is an endless supply! A reminder to myself as I turn 23 this year to just slow down, dive into His presence, & trust in the destiny that He has carefully & wonderfully planned out for me. Father, give me the heart to dwell in the eternal things, to set my mind on the things above. Because your way is always better. Your way is ALWAYS better! 사랑은.. 사실 드라마 같진않다.
사랑은.. 완벽하지도않고, 생각보다 아프고 지칠때가 더 많다. 기대할수록 실망하게되고, 내 마음을 누군가에게 줄수록 아픈게 사랑이다. 내 마음에 비는 공간들이 너무나 많다. 그래도 어딘가에 깊숙히... 사랑을 하고싶다. 아파도 사랑하고싶다. 그 누군가가 내 마음을 채워줬으면 했던 그 철 없던 내 모습도 가끔씩 우습다. 한 사람이 채워줄수있는 마음이 아닌데.. 그래도 참 특별하고 귀한 마음인데.. 누군가가 내 마음을 알아줬으면 좋겠다. 그 누구나도 내 마음을 알아줬으면 좋겠다. |
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